Why are cats scared of cucumbers?

What a silly notion. The idea that a cat—that noble cousin of lions and tigers (and bears, oh my), who fears neither gators nor rabid dogs—would be afraid of a summer salad ingredient…It doesn’t quite add up.

The lowdown

It seems immediately apparent that there’s not much about cucumbers that cats find inherently frightening. What actually terrifies them is the fact that some foreign object (that looks decidedly serpentine) has somehow managed to sneak up on them during a moment of vulnerability.

Ever tried to sneak up on a cat? Shit is not easy. Thousands of years of evolution have undoubtedly hardwired our cats to fear anything stealthy enough to ambush it in the wild. You know, like, a snake. So if you find yourself tempted to play this crunchy salad prank on your unsuspecting kitty, picture the following scenario:

It’s late at night and you’re getting ready for bed. The house is silent and dark, save a small pool of light emanating from your bathroom. You’re hunched over the sink, suds in your eyes, hands steadily scooping water over your face. You straighten up and towel off, turning to leave, and are suddenly confronted with—

A F@#%ING GRIZZLY BEAR. IN YOUR GODDAMN BATHROOM.

Ok, false alarm, it was just a grizzly-bear-sized carnival toy. But alas, the damage is done. You’ve wet your skivvies and shaved several good years off your life.

 

Moral of the story?

Don’t intentionally scare the shit out of your cats; it’s bad for their health. Another unintended side-effect: If your cat was not initially plotting world domination/your demise, she is now!

Cucumber me and I’ll rip your face off, says Sita.

Have a burning cat question you’d like to see answered? Leave me a comment below!