How To Get Your Cat To Stop Liking You Entirely (You sick bastard)
Getting your cat to hate you isn’t hard. If you’re contemplating going down this path (and I don’t recommend it), know this – there is no coming back from being on your cat’s shit list. Your little fur turkey will loathe the sight of you to his grave.
With that said, let’s get started!
The fool-proof plan of attack
1. Make sudden loud noises often, and unexpectedly. Preferably when the hairy butterball is sleeping.
Sita does not approve of this article.
2. Pick up your cat and snuggle his fat little face at every opportunity. Coo loudly and talk in a baby voice. If your cat appears to be enjoying this, gradually increase your snuggle-ambush frequency.
3. Chase him around the house, giggling in a high-pitched voice (…are you starting to see why most cats dislike children?)
4. Stare your cat directly in the eyes with a gleeful, devilish look. The wider your eyes, the better. Throw in the odd, enthusiastic cry of “WHY HELLO, MISTER FLUFFINGTONS!”
5. Corner your cat and give him a bath. Be gentle, and speak softly and reassuringly. Take care not to get water in his ears or eyes, and ensure that the water temperature is just lukewarm. Afterwards, reward him with a few nice treats. The fucker will hate you anyway.
6. Bring lots of friends over, and introduce them to your cat one by one. Be very formal, and tell your friends it’s extra polite to make lots of eye contact with kitty.
7. During a petting session, after you’ve lulled your cat into a false sense of security, go for the ambush belly rub. Wear thick gloves.
8. Unexpectedly bring home a kitten. Make sure it’s the absolute cutest, most precocious damn kitten you can get your hands on, and shower it with attention in the presence of your cat. Allow said kitten free run of your house, especially your cat’s favorite perches. Remove your cat’s toys and present them to the kitten. Maintain eye contact with cat while doing so.
Now sit back, relax (as much as is possible with a cat in your home plotting your demise), and take in the carnage. If you’re looking to go a little less extreme, head on over to my previous post in this series, How To Get Your Cat To Stop Liking You So Much.
And if the contents of this post sound vaguely familiar to you and you’re not seeing what the problem is, this post may be enlightening.
There you have it! How to make your cat wish for your death in 8 easy steps. Thank you for humoring me.
I have several cats and one is in-love with me to the point of wanting to kill the other cats. I don’t need him to hate me, he just needs to stop worshiping me and being possessive.
Cats have a pecking order and they’re aware of who is at the top. It would be a good article to write on how to shuffle the pecking order. Little things, like who gets treats first and who gets the most attention (always the squeaky wheel) puts them up on the ladder, sometimes undeservedly so.
That’s a great idea! I’ll have to do some research about this. Thanks for the suggestion.
Ive done almost everyone of these consistently (save bring home kitten and give a bath). No matter what I do, including throwing objects in the cats direction to get him to shut up at not, my cats are in love with me and annoyingly obsessed with me. There are three other people living here but they both only want me.
*shit up at night
Haha! Try the opposite! Ignore them completely. Be as boring as possible. Lock them out of your room at night! I have an article about controlling late-night crazies (search “batshit crazy” in the search bar and it’ll pop up) if you’re interested. Good luck! :]
Doesn’t work if your cat is so clingy she wants to be picked on and snuggled.
picked up*